The State Stump

Monday January 22nd, 2001 | Issue 1 | State College, PA, Zang!

Penn State Has A Men's Basketball Team University Park, PA -- A stunning announcement last night by Penn State's Athletic Director Robert Gatner confirmed that Penn State does indeed have a Men's Basketball Team.


	Penn State Forward Gyasi Cline-Heard goes for a dunk in a game against Michigan State. This new "move" was learned during an off season practice.

Speaking to an unenthusiastic crowd of 2 students at the Bryce Jordan Center, Gatner said that Penn State has had a basketball team for the last 87 years. It is time for the students and fans to realize this. Read more...

Sir Mix-A-Lot comes to Penn State
University Park, PA-- Rap icon and lover of huge posteriors, Sir-Mix-A-Lot, will be speaking at the Eisenhower Auditorium February 4, 2001, as part of Penn States Distinguished Speaker Series. Mix-A-Lot, best known for his timeless classic, "Baby's Got Back", which sold 7 million copies in 1992 will be speaking to the crowd about the joys of a nice firm shapely backside. Read more...

Student dies walking back from Lot 83 North
University Park, PA-- One of Penn State’s brightest students fell victim to a terrible tragedy last night on a seemingly routine walk home from Lot 83 North. Read more...

Sorority girl keeps New Year's resolution
University Park, PA-- Yesterday, Denise Stankovski (sophomore – telecommunications) surmounted a huge moral obstacle by adhering to her New Year’s resolution to “not, like, act all totally like an airhead.” Read more...

Student uses Accounting Book to Stifle Erection
University Park, PA--Kyle Trever used an accounting book yesterday afternoon in 108 Forum to hide the erection that he obtained after day-dreaming in class. Read more...

Masters of the Force Convention Draws Record Crowd
University Park, PA-- The Masters of the Force Convention '01, held last week, established a new record in attendance, tripling last year's effort. Jennifer Clarke (sophomore - astrophysics), the president of the Penn State Jedi Council Club, spoke to us on why attendance was so phenomenal. Read more...