PITTSBURGH, PA-- As Pittsburgh Pirate manager Lloyd McClendon gathered the boys around prior to their game against Cincinnati, he did something a lot of athletes do: pray.

Photo: The new PNC Stadium, where Lloyd McClendon's request for divine assistance was rejected.

             "God, we thank you for enabling us all to be here today, and for this opportunity to be able to play baseball on this gorgeous day. We thank you, Lord, and ask for your guidance and blessing. And if you could help us win today, that'd be pretty cool too, or at the very least, strike down those heathen Reds in a bolt of lightning. Thanks, peace out."

             McClendon was unprepared for the shocking event that took place next.

             "NO," said God, as the skies opened up and His voice boomed onto the field below.

             "Why does everyone think I should be helping sports teams?" said God. "Let's see, I have war refugees all over the place, people wanting to kill themselves daily, abusive spouses, and oh yeah, I wouldn't want to forget about whiny millionaries playing a freaking game. Let me put you right next to the kid complaining about a papercut and the guys on Survivor asking for my help.

             "You know, I helped a team ONCE.. and they even made a movie about it, Angels in the Outfield. And let me level with ya, that was only because their team was named the Angels. Now I have teams based on plundering and pillaging asking me for help. Right. Rename yourself the Pittsburgh Pious Pontiffs or something, then we'll talk.

             "And really, how am I supposed to help them anyway? Have Jesus crank out some fastballs? Think about it, the guys on the other side are asking the exact same thing. Either way, I'm going to look like the bad guy.

             "Just leave me alone in the future when it comes to sports, alright? Ask Buddha or something; I heard he's pretty weak on the field but man can he crank them out of the park."

             Rumors had it that McClendon planned to bench Jesus in favor of Kevin Young anyway. Said McClendon, "Sure, Jesus saved humanity and all a few years back, but Kevin closed out the season with a couple great games."