UNIVERSITY PARK, PA-– The Penn State Housing and Food Services celebrated yesterday as several of their most wanted criminals were brought to justice. Following a two-month investigation, the students were arrested for their roles in multiple dining hall thefts.

             “This is a glorious day for Penn State,” dining commons employee Christopher Thompson said. “Finally these scoundrels have been brought to justice. I can sleep comfortably knowing they’ve been found.”

             The students, whose names have not been immediately released, were all brought in on charges of grand larceny of items exceeding one piece of hand fruit or one ice cream cone. Hopes for a quick trial however, may be dashed, as the majority of the food in question was not found.

             Police feel the many of the items, including a baloney sandwich, three chocolate chip cookies, and two servings of Grape Nuts may never be recovered. “A search of the alleged thieves’ rooms has yielded no evidence of the missing foodstuffs. Interrogation has not revealed any leads, and without any witnesses, we just don’t know if we’ll ever see that sandwich again.” Police captain Earl Ranheim said.

             Officials were more optimistic about successful prosecution of the “Silverware Seven.” This nickname is for the seven students who are believed to have taken utensils from the dining commons. Ranheim said, “We have successfully found a spoon in one of the student’s rooms. While it could just be an ordinary spoon and not property of the dining hall, we’ll see what the forensics lab has to say.”

             Food services officials were relieved that the mystery had been solved. “Dining hall theft is a very serious matter,” Food services media liaison Hal Potter said. “In the last year alone, theft of food products and silverware cost this school approximately $1.24. These arrests have signaled to us that the police realize what a serious crime this is.”

             Plans to combat further dining hall robberies have already been funded. The primary method, to be completed in the spring of 2003, is a complex system of scientific detectors that will sound the alarm if someone is attempting a food theft. The design, said to cost upwards of eight million dollars, will ensure students that dining hall theft will cease. This will be of benefit to students, as dining hall theft is presently a primary cause of meal plan price increases.