UNIVERSITY PARK, PA – In a move to placate the many angry students who have taken residence in the HUB building, administrators have agreed to add more African-American studies programs. However, this will come at the expense of the Jewish Studies department, which is now being dropped from the curriculum.

             The protestors celebrated this announcement, showing that diversity only counts if its your culture you get to learn about. “This is a victory for all Penn Staters!” Rod Smart (senior – English) proclaimed. When asked if it was a victory for Jewish students, Smart responded, “We have a Jewish Studies department? I thought Jewish was just a diet where you don’t eat pork.”

             Administration representative Lita Lundquist responded as to why the decision was made. “If we don’t give minority students what they want, we’re racists. It really doesn’t matter what their demands are, they could ask President Spanier to have sex with a goat live over the Internet, and if we don’t comply, society deems us racists. After the riots, this school can’t take another PR hit, so it’s shalom to Jewish studies.”

             As to why Jewish studies in particular got the axe, Lundquist continued, “Have you seen any angry Jewish protesters? No one has thrown a yarmulke at me for not giving them something, maybe they won’t even notice.”

             Reaction from the Jewish community was predictably not enthusiastic. “Well, this really doesn’t seem fair. I guess we’ll have to bring this up with the university senate; it certainly seems like something that may be overruled. The key here is civility, screaming and moaning won’t make the administration respect us very much.” Jason Swartz (sophomore – formerly Jewish studies)

             Swartz continued, “It’s not like we haven’t gotten the short end of the stick before. Next to over 5,000 years of persecution, a little funding might not be that big a deal in the grand scheme of things.”

             The funding that had gone to Judaism related activities is now being committed to building an African-American Research Institute. When asked what the purpose was for the institute, Smart replied, “We’re going to use it to figure out what else the University owes us. This will be the new center to combat the ‘white privilege’ that every European-American has when they are born.”

             After hearing Smart’s words, Mathieu Schneider (junior – formerly Jewish studies) remarked, “I guess I’ll have to use my ‘white privilege’ to find another school.”