UNIVERSITY PARK, PA-- Penn State President Graham Spanier finally decided to take assertive action on Friday to diffuse the climate of racial tension that has recently come over the campus. After several days of round-the-clock protests by Black Caucus members and other students, Spanier finally decided to use his power as president of the university to make a change.

Above: The magic Wand of Tolerance, which Penn State President Graham Spanier will soon use to banish bigotry from State College forever.

             After several hours of negotiations with the leaders of Black Caucus, Spanier reportedly returned to his office to contemplate his options. As his gaze wandered thoughtfully around his office, his eyes fell upon an ornate glass case that had remained untouched in the corner since his inauguration. Within the glass case sat an equally ornate wooden wand, which had been dubbed the Wand Of Tolerance by some long-ago culture.

             Spanier later recalled that upon his rediscovery of the Wand the necessary course of action immediately became obvious. “The last time I even thought about that thing was when I first moved into this office after my inauguration. It kind of peaked my curiosity so I opened up the case and read the scroll that was lying in the bottom. If I recall correctly, it said ‘Wave the Wand Of Tolerance just one time/ To eliminate bigotry of any kind’.”

             Spanier said, “All the recent protests and negotiations have made me realize that bigotry is a problem on this campus that needs to be eliminated. Before I had always just assumed that it would go away by itself, but now I’m going to do something about it.” He added, “Hell, if the students would have brought this to my attention earlier I could have waved the Wand years ago… I just kind of forgot about it.”

             Spanier is expected to finally wave the Wand Of Tolerance sometime early next week, when a shimmering wave of love and brotherhood will cascade over campus, warming hearts and melting prejudices of all kinds.