STATE COLLEGE, PA-- Bassist Conrad Smith regularly performs music before packed crowds at fraternities, bars, and other gigs. Throngs of girls crowd around the stage and sing along as his band, The Fans O' Fellatio, play crowd favorites such as Dexy's Midnight Runners "Come on Eileen" and OMC's "How Bizzare."

             Yet, Smith has been at odds with his bandmates over their recent success--and attendant bragging--with groupies and one night stands.

The Fans O' Fellatio "rock the house" at a recent fraternity party.

             "Look, bassists get no respect in the first place. No one in the crowd expects much out of us. Sometimes I just fake playing while thinking about President Bush's mom naked. It doesn't really matter, people can't even tell if we're playing for real or not anyway," Smith ranted. He continued for another ten minutes about how a group of guitarists called "The Musicmasons" repress bassists in a global conspiracy, and then turned his venom towards his bandmates.

             "You wanna talk about the band? Okay, well, that fucker Epman (the guitar player) gets all the credit. Oooh, la-de-fuckin-da, he has like what, 40 pedals helping him produce that sound? Or should I say 69 since that's all that bitch talks about? Anyway, when he plays "Livin' On A Prayer" and does that voice box thing, it's all over. It's like when you're playing football in your backyard, and the team captains get draft picks. Well, Epman has first pick overall baby. And second, and third, and fourth. I mean, we played at a frickin CONVENT and the nuns were digging him. And let me tell you, there were some pretty fly nuns. I told them that "Livin on a Prayer" isn't really about praying and Epman isn't even religious, but they didn't seem to care.

             It totally sucks. I mean, I sing "My Ding-A-Ling" when we play it.....hell I came up with the idea to play that song live. I sometimes look girls right in the eye and scream "I WANT YOU TO PLAY WITH MY DING-A-LING." Do they get the idea? No, of course not. I'm not bullshitting you when I say we had a guy play triangle for us once just for kicks, and he ended up fingering the girl right there on stage. Meanwhile, I was telling the girl I fingerpick my bass, ya know, imagine what I could do! She didn't care."

             Smith doesn't know whether the band will ever get back together for another performance.

             "The Fans O' Fellatio suck as far I'm concerned," declared Smith.