Choosing a college is not a decision to be taken lightly. Its importance is continually stressed from the beginning of junior year of high school all the way until graduation. Most people agree that it is a choice with potentially life-altering consequences. I, however, ignored all warnings and chose Penn State because it's big, usually has a good football team, and has lots of places to party. And I didn't even visit the place first. What the fuck was I thinking?

Hell.

              For some reason, I ignored the fact that to attend Penn State, I would actually have to LIVE in Pennsylvania. I began having second thoughts while making the trip into campus from my hometown of Fulton, Ohio. When we crossed into PA and I saw how shitty the road was, I figured it was just bad luck. But NO, all PA roads (and I use the term loosely) are just a tiny step up from gravel. I challenge you to find me just one fully functional road in the entire state.

              The next thing that bothered me was the abundance of small towns in Pennsylvania. Now call me crazy, but if a region of land smells like shit, I wouldn't say, "hey, let's build a village and settle down here." And after you build a town in such an awful place, do you have to let your sixth grade kids name the place? How else do you explain the existence of Middlesex and Intercourse? Also, you don't have to honor the Indians whose land you raped by giving your hometowns unpronounceable names like Conshohocken or Ontelaunee. At least that explains why the roads suck - I bet no 2 maps are the same so the department of transportation doesn't know what 2 places to connect. Also, when all the towns are identical shit holes, there's no need to go anywhere.

              Then there's the Philadelphia vs. Pittsburgh thing. Where should I begin? First, the existence of a few actual cities does not make up for the rest of the state being a barren, God-forsaken wasteland. The only thing this rivalry shows is how little there is to be proud of in PA. The only defining characteristic a local has is whether he's an ignorant fuck that calls it "pop" or an ignorant fuck that calls it "soda". Instead of spending all your time arguing over what to call your beverages, why don't you try going to school? Pennsylvania must be a black hole where all knowledge disappears, never to be seen again.

              I feel dirtier with every passing moment I spend in this state. I've made a terrible mistake, and there's nothing I can do about it. I hope you all die slow, horrible deaths.