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Bassist Severely Dissapointed by Lack of Groupies
STATE COLLEGE, PA-- Bassist Conrad Smith regularly performs music before packed crowds at
fraternities, bars, and other gigs. Throngs of girls crowd around the stage
and sing along as his band, The Fans O' Fellatio, play crowd favorites such
as Dexy's Midnight Runners "Come on Eileen" and OMC's "How Bizzare."
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Conrad Smith, bassist for The Fans O' Fellatio, who puzzlingly has no groupies as of press time. |
Yet, Smith has been at odds with his bandmates over their recent
success--and attendant bragging--with groupies and one night stands.
Read more...
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Student Does Not Like Sliced Bread
UNIVERSITY PARK, PA-– In contrast to the universal mantra often used to describe something innovative, Penn
State student Marcy Fielder doesn't think sliced bread is all that great.
"What's the big deal?" asked Fielder. "All some genius did was figure out a
way to cut the bread into individual slices while still maintaining that
fresh doughy taste and moisture retention. I'm way more amazed by Pocket Rockers , those
little mini 8-tracks that were cool when I was growing up. How'd they fit
the fabulous voices of Joey McIntyre and all the other New Kids On The Block
on such a little tape!?"
Her roommates report that Fielder also thinks that two birds in the bush are "totally
better" than one in hand, and occasionally points out that her family is
not wealthy, despite her father's habit of going to bed at 10 PM and waking
up at 4 AM. Fielder says, "If that were true, there wouldn't be any such
thing as welfare."
- Toasty McGuigan
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EDITORIAL: I Hate PA
Choosing a college is not a decision to be taken lightly. Its importance is continually stressed from the beginning of junior year of high school all the way until graduation. Most people agree that it is a choice with potentially life-altering consequences. I, however, ignored all warnings and chose Penn State because it's big, usually has a good football team, and has lots of places to party. And I didn't even visit the place first. What the fuck was I thinking? Read more...
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Students Boo-urns New Senate Policy
UNIVERSITY PARK, PA-- To coincide with the beginning of the 2001 football season, the Faculty
Senate unanimously passed legislation to expand Penn State's anti-booing
policy at home football games this year. According to the new policy, fans
who boo will immediately be tossed out of the University, and any alumni
caught booing will have their diplomas recalled. However, The State Stump has
learned that there is a grass roots movement to "boo-urns" any bad plays, in
place of the now illegal booing. Read more...
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Maximum Number Of Guys Grinding Same Girl Exceded
STATE COLLEGE, PA-– At approximately 11:30 PM on Saturday, the maximum number of guys who can feasibly dance with the same girls was exceded during an apartment party at The Pointe. The incident occurred when party-goer Amber Mitchell began grinding with one male party-goer and another quickly joined in on the other side.
When a third and fourth guy occupied the remainder of Amber's dancing perimeter, zoning law 419B was violated. 419B states that no more than two males shall "bump 'n grind" with a single female unless the proper licenses are obtained and displayed on the premises. The tenants of the apartment explained that they did not have the proper licenses but had no further comment. Several party fouls were issued, but all charges will likely be dropped.
"Grinding with one guy is fine, and two is standard practice these days. Three isn't even that bad, but when that fourth guy came over and blocked my only escaped route from those creeps, that's when I had to blow the whistle," said Amber. It is not known whether she plans to attend future parties at the apartment.
- Dimitri Valentino
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