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Sophomore Discovers New Major
UNIVERSITY PARK, PA-- In a ritual remembered fondly by most upper-classmen, John Kent (sophomore-business) discovered last week that Penn State offers majors other than "DUS."
An experience of growth and learning that all students must eventually brave, the realization that "majors do, in fact, exist" is not unlike the discovery that Santa Claus does not. For some, choosing a major can be a bold new challenge, while others are crushed by the shattering of the false sense of security provided by the belief that they "can do absolutely no work and still obtain a degree." Fortunately, even for these students, there is hope: business.
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Freshman Decides To Transfer Due To Football Loss
UNIVERSITY PARK, PA-- Early this morning Alex Goldstein (freshman-DUS) withdrew himself from the University Park campus of Penn State. The motivation of this education-deprived student was the Penn State loss in the PSU/Miami football game. Although he knew that last season Penn State had one of their only two losing streaks, he still believed that this legendary school with its once legendary football team could pull itself out of the ashes and take its place in the rankings with the rest of the greats. Sadly he was wrong.
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Hopeless Geeky Fraternity Experiences Surprising Summer Renaissance
STATE COLLEGE, PA-- After over a decade of total unpopularity, humiliation, and outright public shunning, an accidental turn of events has caused the Penn State chapter of Sigma Upsilon Kappa to experience a stunning wave of summer good fortune. Located at the intersection of Prospect Ave. and sparsely populated Yingvey Blvd., the S-U-K house had been mired in a monumental slump of misfortune and rock-bottom social standing since 1989. However, thanks to the incompetent directional skills of a horde of summer freshmen, the house has shockingly become a popular and respected summer party spot.
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Student Has Busy Night At Fraternity
STATE COLLEGE, PA-- Five members of Sigma Alpha Epsilon fraternity, 200 E. Beaver Ave., have been charged with a grand total of ten counts of sexual assault, thirteen counts of indecent assault, and eight drug charges in connection with the alleged rape of a Penn State student. According to police documents, the following events occurred the night of September 2:
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Student Regrets Research Participation
UNIVERSITY PARK, PA-- Last semester, Fred Jones (junior - Computer Science) needed some extra credit and some money so he did what any PSY 002 student would do: become a guinea pig. Little did he know that agreeing to participate in Dr. Reverend Santos’s relationship study would become the worst mistake of his collegiate career. In a monumental press conference last week, Dr. Santos recognized Fred Jones as the most pathetic Penn State male for the 2001-2002 school year. Read more...
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