UNIVERSITY PARK, PA-- Early this morning Alex Goldstein (freshman-DUS) withdrew himself from the University Park campus of Penn State. The motivation of this education-deprived student was the Penn State loss in the PSU/Miami football game. Although he knew that last season Penn State had one of their only two losing streaks, he still believed that this legendary school with its once legendary football team could pull itself out of the ashes and take its place in the rankings with the rest of the greats. Sadly he was wrong.

All your base are belong to us.

             At 8:00 PM on Saturday, September 1st, Penn State embarked on a journey to the depths of the only bowl game that they can achieve to be in: the Toilet Bowl. One who was sitting in the stands would think by the size and enthusiasm in the pre-game show that the football team would have a pretty good chance against the #2 ranked team in the nation. But in this writer’s opinion, the relationship between Penn State’s football team and the pre-game show is analagous to a guy with a nice car but a small penis. PSU has the nice car to get the chicks but it doesn’t have to cock to back it up. Penn State ended up losing the game 33-7.

             When Alex Goldstein saw this heart-breaking event his hopes and dreams were shattered and along with those he lost his ambition to stay at Penn State. This morning Alex also declared that he would be attending Virginia Tech starting this spring. There he will resume his education with stronger hopes that his football team will triumph over the weak and take its students to victory.