UNIVERSITY PARK, PA-- In a ritual remembered fondly by most upper-classmen, John Kent (sophomore-business) discovered last week that Penn State offers majors other than “DUS.”

             An experience of growth and learning that all students must eventually brave, the realization that “majors do, in fact, exist” is not unlike the discovery that Santa Claus does not. For some, choosing a major can be a bold new challenge, while others are crushed by the shattering of the false sense of security provided by the belief that they “can do absolutely no work and still obtain a degree.” Fortunately, even for these students, there is hope: business.

             Kent stumbled across the truth about DUS earlier than most sophomores will this year, but even he wasn’t prepared for the discovery.

             “I got on eLion to drop Econ 002 cause it looked like too much work, when I stumbled on to some sort of list. I’m still recovering from the shock of it all. Hundreds of majors… hundreds… I can’t breathe.”

             Kent will be fine, but this sort of response is not uncommon. There has been some debate over whether or not freshmen should be brought into the University with this potentially debilitating knowledge. For more information we went to school psychologist Martin Baughman.

             “It is the freshmen’s innocence that we strive to preserve here. Naturally a few each year would have the strength to deal with this information, but what about those who couldn’t? Telling even those who may be ready would be like telling a five-year-old, ‘Mommy is the tooth fairy.’ The secret would get out, and then we’d have an epidemic. I don’t want that blood on my hands.”

             Finally, as a responsible news organization we must address the freshmen directly: Please realize that this, like all of our articles, is for entertainment purposes only: DUS is the only major, Santa Claus is real, and your Mommy is not the tooth fairy.