STATE COLLEGE, PA-- After over a decade of total unpopularity, humiliation, and outright public shunning, an accidental turn of events has caused the Penn State chapter of Sigma Upsilon Kappa to experience a stunning wave of summer good fortune. Located at the intersection of Prospect Ave. and sparsely populated Yingvey Blvd., the S-U-K house had been mired in a monumental slump of misfortune and rock-bottom social standing since 1989. However, thanks to the incompetent directional skills of a horde of summer freshmen, the house has shockingly become a popular and respected summer party spot.

             As explained by current vice-president Sam Klutterman, the Sigma Upsilon Kappa house had been mired in a popularity crash since the graduation of president Gavin Wallace in 1989. Joining him that year were nearly all the cool, buff, alcohol-loving, sorority-girl-raping brothers at the house, and with them, the house’s social status. When social chair Trip Lewis graduated the following year, the house found itself full of losers, dweebs, and assorted geeks, who had slowly been populating the house and recruiting more of their uncool brethren. Over the next eight years, the fraternity became at various times alcohol free, pornography free, television free, a Bible study haven, a Magic: The Gathering hotspot, and a shelter for battered Goth women. In 1999, the fraternity accidentally admitted Klutterman and several other students, who attempted to change the decade long bad fortune. But despite their best efforts, the new brothers, while full of good intentions, could attract nary a single party-goer to any of their activities. In 2000 and 2001, the fraternity attempted to recruit athletic, well-built, handsome types, in an effort to bolster the house’s overall looks, but to no avail. The house continued in its role as a campus laughing stock, and membership reached an all-time low of 26. The house would have altogether ceased to exist, but for the deep pockets of alumnus Arvid Flagel, a legacy brother from 1968 to 1971, who was a gigantic loser in his time, but has since founded a multi-million dollar software design company.

             Fast forward to Tuesday, July 3rd, 2001, a day that will be long remembered in SUK history as the day when dreams came true. On that evening, freshman Rachel Chaswood mistakenly told the other girls on her floor in Heister Hall that she knew exactly how to get to the Delta Chi fraternity, for what was going to be the coolest, most exclusive and socially superior party of the week. Having been personally invited by junior Delta Chi brother Kevin O’Neill, Chaswood was overly confident in her knowledge of the State College streets. Ultimately, the over-bearing 17-year old led a group of nearly 50 freshmen on a fruitless 30-minute journey around Fraternity Row. The large group broke off into smaller packs, and one of the lost smaller packs was forced to make an unplanned bathroom stop at the SUK fraternity. In an ironic twist worthy of O’Henry, the group contained arguably the two best looking freshmen in the whole summer session, Amber McConnolly and Beth Trafford. As the group of 15 freshmen attempted to enter the house, several stunned brothers stood frozen in their spots, unable to react to the sudden invasion of party seeking students. That is when Klutterman stepped up to the plate.

             “I knew this day would come. I had been preparing,” reminisces Klutterman. I had cases of beer stashed all over the house. A karaoke machine was waiting in our main dance floor for the past year and a half. Yeah, it was dusty, but so what – it was there. And we had practiced setting up the beer pong table in under 2 minutes. When I realized what was happening, I knew what I had to do. I threw a party together in 4 minutes flat, and the freshmen, thankfully, ended up staying. It was a great day. We bombarded them with so much free beer, free weed, mixed drinks, ecstasy, loud music – you name it, we did it. They had no choice but to stay. I guess all those years in the Boy Scouts finally came in handy, I couldn’t have been any more prepared…”

             Perhaps the key to keeping the freshmen in the house was sophomore brothers Charlie Bigglebix and Vishnu Niak’s stunning karaoke rendition of “The Double Dutch Bus”, which brought freshman stunner Beth Trafford to her knees in laughter. When Trafford offered to do some singing of her own, the entire group was sold on the party, and stayed until nearly 3 AM. Not knowing the house’s long history of futility, the accidental tourists were able to enjoy themselves in what they assumed was a regular “college party”, just like they had seen on TV. When they returned to their dorms with good reviews, the stage was set for continued visits by other, bigger groups of unassuming freshmen. And so, the S-U-K Summer 2001 Renaissance was officially under way.

             “I had longed for 3 years for the day when actual, real-live girls would be in my fraternity house. I had hoped, and prayed, and now the dream is a reality. No more blow up dolls for me, at least until October,” stated jubilant brother Matt Blajziwisczki (senior, robotic engineering), with visible tears in his eyes. Dewey Vivaldi (junior, Eastern European Musical History) echoed the sentiment, vowing to “Never wake up from this fantasy of revealing clothes and loud, obnoxious modern music!”

             Junior Charlie Bigglebix, who played a key role in keeping the original surprise visitors in the house with his karaoke efforts, has reaped another unexpected reward from the accidental invasion. Since their initial karaoke meeting, he and Beth Trafford have become an “item”, hooking up nearly every night of the following weeks in Charlie’s spacious 2nd floor single. “Yeah, I took her up there to show her some of my other obscure CDs, after she loved the Frankie Smith stuff. And then I started playing some Gary Moore for her, and I swear, like 3 minutes into ‘Parisienne Walkways’, she was all over me. I guess that shit really works sometimes.” Clearly on a winning streak, Bigglebix, surprisingly a very good-looking guy, is enjoying his moment in the sun. “When I joined this frat 2 years ago, I weighed over 400 pounds. I had been a fat fuck all my life, and I barely had any friends. Then in February I get diagnosed with colon cancer, and I’m thinking I’m gonna fucking die. But after 3 months of painful surgery and treatment, the doctors got it all out. I lost like 200 pounds during the chemo, and nobody could even recognize me! So I said fuck it, I might as well try to keep it off. Turns out I was actually really good looking under all that flab. It’s been one fucking weird year. Six months ago I’m on my deathbed with severe rectal bleeding, and now I’m getting blowjobs from the best looking freshman on campus. I guess everything is coming up Bigglebix these days!”

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