UNIVERSITY PARK, PA-- In an effort to attract the fastest and the brightest to the lush Happy Valley, the Penn State Student Government announced yesterday that all student athletes and Schreyer scholars will be given automatic A's, an equivalent of a 4.0 GPA.

             During the past few years, the quality of the incoming Scholars in this University has deteriorated, stated Schreyer's Honors College Dean, Ruth Jackmire. "Before we accepted students who were bright, smart, and talented individuals. Now, we have to just settle for the biggest dorks."

Titus McDermus is pleased at the new announcement as he will now have time to attend HUB Late Night activities.

             Titus McDermus (Junior-- Mechanical Engineering) a scholar since entering the university is greatly pleased by the new decision.

             "I now have time to do the important things besides just studying." McDermus stated, "I didn't play Magic in about three months and had not been able to attend a Physics Club meeting all semester. I'm enthused beyond belief!"

             Athletes were also ecstatic about the announcement.

             “Currently I go to about 80% of my classes, now maybe” Penn State running back Roger Trewor stated, “Now, I’m looking at maybe about a 10-20% clip”.

             Penn State Athletic directors were persuaded to implement the new policy in part by last years disappointing football season.

             Traditionally high school football players have seen Penn State University as a place where athletes have to attend classes and achieve 2.0s in order to play ball. Athletic directors want create a new image one of football first, academics last.

             The new policy will go into effect this semester and will remain in effect as long as the person is a student at the university.