UNIVERSITY PARK, PA--Scandal reigns at Penn State's popular Sigma Alpha Epsilon fraternity, as one of their own was found to have been a dork in his high school career. According to several sources within the fraternity, Kevin Burke (junior - history), was in fact a "fucking loser" between 9th and 12th grade at Woomlesdorf High School, in Woomlesdorf, Pa.

SAE composite Shivers noticed. Burke circled above in red.

             The story broke when Jen Shivers (freshman - DUS), a new sister of the Theta sorority this fall, attended a function at the SAE fraternity, and noticed Burke's picture in one of the composites on the wall. Shivers, also from Woomlesdorf High School, remarked that the sorority shouldn't be partying with such a loser house. When informed that SAE was in fact a particularly cool house, Shivers questioned Burke's membership in the fraternity. Thus spilling the beans on Burke's hidden past.

             Despite a tedious screening process, SAE members failed to discover that Kevin was in fact Burke's middle name, and that in high school he went by his first name, Grover. Since the initial discovery, much new information has been uncovered about Burke, some of which was too stunning for even the coolest heads at SAE to accept. The man they knew as Grover Burke was a 4-year member of the school chess team, had a booger collection in a jar by his bed and, contrary to his statements during rush, did not have sex with six girls during his senior year (or any girls, for that matter).

             "Hurt."
             "Betrayed."
             "Stunned."
Just some of the words used by brothers at SAE to describe their feelings about the Burke discovery. "I don't know what we're gonna do about this, but we're having an emergency house meeting this Sunday night. And dude, let me tell you, heads will roll," stated house Vice-President Jay Novak (senior - English) in an exclusive interview with StateStump. Not only is Burke's membership at the house on the line, but also those of Keith Livingston (senior - accounting) and Rob Corvell (senior - marketing), the brothers most held responsible for recruiting Burke for house membership.

Burke's senior photo from Woomlesdorf High School.

             "Our screening process is designed to make us the coolest and most exclusive house on campus. If it fails, we all fail. While Mr. Burke's duplicitous actions were the main cause of this public relations disaster, we cannot ignore the roles that Livingston and Corvell played in getting us here in the first place," noted Novak.

             There is no official word yet on punishments. Everything from severe beating and forced homosexual activity, to eating feces and outright expulsion have been suggested. But perhaps nothing could be enough to undo the damage done to the credibility of the house, or to the breakdown of trust among the brothers.

             For her part, Shivers is just happy to have been of service. "Grover was such a fucking geek. I remember he tried to ask me to dance one time in 9th grade. Yeah right. Dream on. So I told my friend Chris DiFranco, he was the center for our football team. I think the football team. No, wait, the basketball team. Anyway I told Chris to beat him up after the dance. He even broke Grover's nose. It was awesome. What a fucking loser."

             As the shockwaves continue to permeate the fraternity, some brothers can't help but recall the good times they shared with a guy they thought they knew. "Man, when Burke beat up that one loser pledge during hell week, that was so awesome" noted brother Quin "Q-Tip" Lofgren (sophomore - business administration). "I've never seen someone kick a loser's ass with such passion. So much anger. It ruled!"

             "Then again, he did study an awful lot. And he did ask me one time if I knew who Boris Spassky was. Maybe we should have seen this coming."