UNIVERSITY PARK, PA--This past Wednesday, January 31^st, Brian Haldin (sophomore – computer science) was arrested by University Police for computer crimes against the University. Haldin allegedly hacked into the housing database two weeks earlier while assignments were being randomly generated.

	Deputy Naigle unlawfully arrests Brian Haldin.

     University officials questioned Haldin Gestapo-style for two days during his detainment in an effort to coerce him into admitting the incident or providing them with new information. However, he was released Friday evening when Deputy Naigle realized he forgot to obtain a warrant.

     Haldin’s lawyer, Jonathon McLennan, made the following statement upon his release, “The [University Police] department’s actions have undoubtedly made what would have otherwise been an open-and-shut criminal case against my client an impossibility. We still, however, must prove Brian’s innocence before the University’s Judicial Affairs Board when it convenes early next week. I’m sure I can get him off there as well.”

     Haldin refused to comment in detail on the matter Friday and proceeded to the nearest fraternity to “binge drink the whole week into an oblivion.” His roommate, Abdullah Abonalan (sophomore – political science) was reached in his dorm room the next morning and made following statement:

     “Brian is always on his computer, but I can’t confirm that he did hack into housing. If you wanted to know about the IRS or NASA then we might be able to talk. But for now, I can only point out that all of the athletes had rooms ‘randomly’ assigned for next year while me and his other friends have to look for an apartment now. Coincidence? – I think not… He has a room next year, but I think he sucked dick for it.”

	Network Security Officer Dick Stusmal makes statement in front of Old Main.

     University Network Security Officer, Dick Stusmal, made the University’s official statement on the issue, “We have proof that the housing database was infiltrated last week during the room assignment period. We have been closely observing Mr. Haldin’s network usage in conjunction with our on-going Napster investigation and found that he still downloads copyrighted materials. This is a violation of University Policy AD-20 and we have therefore deduced that he is responsible for this incident as well.”

     Judicial Affairs has since scheduled Haldin’s review for this Tuesday at 11AM. The violation of this policy can result in academic penalties to the extent of expulsion. However, Haldin will probably just receive the de facto slap on the wrist and a possible anal-probe for the amusement of the board.