STATE COLLEGE, PA-– In a surprising statement, Willard Preacher Gary Cattell has announced that he plans to retire from unsolicited evangelism in favor of a lucrative position at Hi-Way Pizza. Cattell plans to invest one last week in preaching before hanging up the red hooded sweatshirt once and for all. It will cap an impressive 16-year run of sermons and lectures. The move came as a shock to the student body and Penn State faculty alike, who can hardly remember a time when they weren’t forced to ignore Mr. Cattell as they entered Willard Building.

Hi-Way Pizza in downtown State College; the new home of Gary Cattell, the man formerly known as the Willard Preacher

             Cattell described the decision as one of the toughest, most emotional ones he has ever had to make. However, he feels confident that he has made the correct decision, because of the bounty of reasons for his retirement.

             After 16 years of daily preaching and no confirmed conversions or salvations, Cattell explained that he began to suspect that he might not be reaching anybody. Secondly, Cattell is concerned that nearly all of his audience over the years has been chain smokers killing time between classes. He feels that he must retire now if he has any hope avoiding lung cancer. He is also tired of being forced to support his family with the outdated practice of tithing, and looks forward to beginning his full time career in the more respectable position of cheese-grater.

             Cattell’s other plans following retirement are to try spending some time with his own four children. “I considered returning to my old lifestyle of marijuana and cocaine from my own days as a student here, but decided on trying something new and different instead.” Initially, the idea of spending any time with his own family sounded crazy to Cattell, but he figured trying to save his own kids before reaching out to the thousands of strangers at PSU might be worth a try.

             When asked to reflect on his illustrious career, Cattell stated that he had no complaints and enjoyed his run. He really would have liked to log at least one soul saved before retiring, but will try not to let that bother him. He supports his tactics of insults and annoying oration and recommends them to anyone.

             “I honestly thought that by telling students how terrible and immoral they were, I would help them see the light.” When asked if he planned a comeback, Cattell firmly rejected the idea. As he said, “the time has come to pass the torch to a new devout, reactionary zealot who will offend students in the name of God to get them to convert.”