UNIVERSITY PARK, PA-– Old Main, the Lion shrine and the Creamery are all landmarks associated with Penn State. Thanks to a recent vote passed by the Penn State administration, Joe Paterno will shortly join them in the form of a bronze statue.

             According to the plan, the statue will be to commemorate Paterno’s expected passing of Bear Bryant’s college football victory record. Following the historic win, Paterno will be taken to a local casting facility, dipped in liquid bronze, and cooled to forever preserve the historic occasion.

The statuesque Joe Paterno at home on the sideline.

             The idea is the brainchild of Dr. Wolfgang von Richtofen, president of the Local Organization Of Natural Scientists, or LOONS. “As I was contemplating how to preserve Coach Paterno in a sort of cryostasis, I realized that it was much easier to simply insert him in molten bronze” Richtofen explained.

             When asked about Paterno’s chances of surviving this new plan, the doctor replied, “I had not considered that, but then, I’m not going to be the one solidified in that metal sarcophagus.”

             The motion met surprisingly little resistance from administration. Professor Emeritus William Ranford explained, “While the thought of doing this at first glance appears horribly painful, we have to think about the long-term benefits.” Ranford continued, “By adding another historic landmark to our campus, we will be enhancing the prestige of this wonderful university, not to mention the increased alumni support that will follow.”

             Florida State University, after hearing of this proposal, was quick to respond. FSU officials developed their own plan of encasing coach Bobby Bowden in liquid silver. This project was immediately abandoned however, when it was realized a solid silver statue wouldn’t last 10 minutes outside a Florida State football facility. Paterno is questioning whether he should have coached there.