UNIVERSITY PARK, PA-– A recent survey of Penn State female students gave male students reason for hope, all except one that is.

             After collecting responses from over 550 female students at the University Park campus, researches revealed that 99.997% of Penn State males had a moderate to good chance of finding a significant other. This was obviously not good news for the .003% that has no chance for true happiness. This .003% of Penn State males actually consists of only one student, Zeke Phalange. (Sophomore – mushroom science)

             Female students were shown photographs and given personal dossiers of each and every Penn State male. They would rate their acceptance of said males on a scale of dateability. Every male passed the survey with at least a 50% “date rating” with the exception of Phalange.

             This marks the first time in the history of these surveys, which have been conducted since 1962, that a student has been charted as a “sexual repellant” and “devoid of any redeeming characteristics.” The administrator of the study, sociologist Dr. Geraldine Lundegaard was shocked at the findings. “This is almost totally unprecedented in the history of human sexual attraction. Never have I personally seen someone who was so universally rejected.”

             After some research, Dr. Lundegaard found the last of these complete rejects in a European study taken during the middle ages. However the subject in question was suffering from the Black Plague, and it is generally thought that the pus and bleeding associated with that skewed the results. The file on Phalange offered little insight into why Penn State females do not accept him. He currently has a .54 cumulative GPA in his mushroom science major. He currently is employed by the Penn State sewage system retrieving lost belongings. Phalange’s interests include dissecting small mammals, ritualistic bloodletting, and contributing to Phroth Penn State’s satirical newspaper.

             Speaking on the condition of anonymity, some female respondents offered their reasons for voting Phalange of their metaphorical “dating island.”

             “I honestly couldn’t get over the fact that he swims in a sewer for a living. I just couldn’t handle the ‘fringe benefits’ like the cloud of sewer gas that follows him everywhere.” Replied one subject.

              “Well, I normally look for intelligence, and the fact that he had a .54 cumulative GPA just turned me off completely.” Said one anonymous female.

             One final student who completed the process remarked, “It was amazing, he works in the sewer, while I work at the water treatment plant. He likes bloodletting, just like me!” When asked why this seemingly kindred spirit was not right for her, the girl responded, “My guy needs a sense of humor, and since he writes for Phroth, he clearly doesn’t have one.”