STATE COLLEGE, PA-- Three Penn State students who are missing since Friday Afternoon are believed to be kidnapped by the normally lovable squirrels.

The vicious “Mr. Nutsy” shown here eating a fig leaf. The squirrels are the main suspects in the kidnapping of three Penn State Students.

             The squirrels, which are all over campus, are lead allegedly by head squirrel president who has been nicknamed Mr. Nutsy, who was captured by the OPP on Saturday on the HUB lawn.

             When questioned Mr. Nutsy stated “HA HA HA HA HA HA!” which is the sound a squirrel makes when grinding its front teeth.

             The squirrels, which have normal benevolent animals, are believed to be irate by the lack of good food thrown to them by Penn State Students. During the winter months there has been an estimated 60% decrease in the amount of food thrown to the squirrels by students, leading to an estimated 80 squirrel deaths.

             Although being herbivores that weight only 1-1.5 pounds each and are 18-20 inches in length, the three students were supposedly captured by the squirrels in a cunning squirrel ruse which detectives still cannot explain.

             Mr. Nutsy commented “HA HA HA HA HA HA!”

             The three students, all freshman all in DUS are believed to be in good condition in the squirrels hideout in one of the unused storage rooms in the HUB where a janitor one time “Saw a squirrel in the basement down there.” However, police do now went to enter the room in fear of the safety of the hostages.

             In a ransom note, supposedly written by the squirrels, stated, “We will release the three freshman students safetlyif $1,000,000 is deposited in an overseas Swiss bank account” Detectives feel this could point to an international squirrel hostage ring.

             State College Police Chief Charles Montgomery stated, “Yeah we believe the squirrels have kidnapped the students.” When asked however, how he thought the squirrels could be capable of writing a ransom note, Montgomery had no comment.

             When questioned about the ransom note, Mr. Nutsy smugly stated, “HA HA HA HA HA!”

             Mr. Montgomery stated, “We feel that the squirrels think that this is all a big joke, but this is no laughing matter. We will get to the bottom of this case.”

             If anyone has any information about the missing students, they are asked to contact the State College Police Department.