UNIVERSITY PARK, PA-– After successfully eliminating numerous “hazardous” recreational activities, the Penn State administration unveiled its newest mandate last night. Masturbation and related acts of self-gratification have been identified as “a dangerous threat” to the health of the student body and now must be eliminated.

             After successful battles against drugs and alcohol, preventing the newest target may be the most difficult war to wage. The most obvious hurdle for policy makers to overcome can be seen in a recent student survey. While masturbation is believed to be wide spread, particularly among male students, a recent survey reports 0% of Penn State students admit to partaking in the act. It should be noted this particular poll has a sampling error of plus or minus 100%.

             When asked why self-gratification should be eliminated, board member Paul Wolfe said, “We try to control what these kids put in their bodies, we might as well try to control what comes out.”

             Obviously, this will not be an easy task. The combination of unsupervised free time and unlimited Ethernet access makes masturbation one of the simplest and cheapest student hobbies. Subscriptions to publications like Maxim and For Him Magazine also add to the bishop beatings now commonplace in dorms and showers across the campus.

             The details of how to best prevent the flogging of dolphins is still in debate. There are currently several plans in the works. The most promising is a software program that will be installed over the Penn State network. When a web site is accessed that contains particular keywords, the program takes effect. It immediately shuts down the user’s web browser, and rapidly displays a series of pictures. The pictures range from war atrocities to starving children to shots of Rosie O’Donnell after a Taco Bell run. Other plans include dividing the campus into coed halves, and forced castration.

             While for the moment policy makers unanimously support masturbation prevention, the plans have potential negative effects. If masturbation were eliminated, levels of testosterone could reach dangerous levels. Experts believe this could lead to riots, intramural sports, and other outlets for male aggression.

             Until the new plan goes into effect, student’s pornography libraries are safe for the moment. But if and when a new masturbation policy is enacted, those files and magazines might not be the only casualties. Local tissue and paper towel vendors are already bracing for a world without, that particular use.