UNIVERSITY PARK, PA-- Nearly two months after the Penn State Sex Faire began a whirlwind of controversy regarding the alleged decadence of morality at PSU, Graham Spanier has finally caved to the pressure of conservative lawmakers. Pennsylvania State Senator John Lawless attended and video taped the February 3rd sexual education event using taxpayer’s money, later voicing his opinion that the event was lewd, inappropriate, and that taxpayer money should not be abused in such a way.

Pennsylvania State Senatar John Lawless, pleased with the new PSU policy that is intended to make the school more ignorant, close-minded, and intolerant.

             Lawless also used taxpayer money to organize a satellite broadcast of nationally syndicated bigot Dr. Laura, in which she commented on the immorality of the student-run event and the general decline of good old-fashioned wholesome fascist values at American universities. Lawless’s main concern was that taxpayer’s money was potentially being used to advance political agendas that were not necessarily representative of the general interest of the taxpayers themselves.

             After attempting to defend the 1st amendment rights of students on several occasions during the past two months, Spanier has finally surrendered, and on Thursday began a series of policy changes that is expected to please the right-wing politicians and secure an acceptable amount of state funding for Penn State.

             The wave of changes is expected to affect nearly all aspects of life at Penn State. Among the most noticeable changes: all classes will now begin with a two-minute prayer for academic and spiritual health, and Old Main’s bell will now chime the melody to Kum Buy Ah every morning at 7:30. In what will likely prove the most significant change to Penn State’s academic curriculum, the entire Department of Philosophy will be disbanded and replaced with a wide variety of special focus Bible study groups.

             Students may also find it more difficult to entertain themselves under the new policy. The number of channels available through campus cable television will be severely cutback, leaving students to choose between The Weather Channel, The Learning Channel, The Discovery Channel, Nickelodeon, and three Penn State channels. HUB Late Night activities will also be modified, with events including 8:00 Bible bingo and a 10:00 hymn sing. A gospel choir will perform in Alumni Hall at 11:00 this coming Friday. Also, The Ten Commandments will be shown at various times every weekend in the HUB auditorium, for the rest of the semester.

             Student run events, the original source of the controversy that initiated the policy change, will now be examined much more closely before any funds are allocated to them. The meager number of planned events that were actually approved for the remainder of the semester include the "Sex is for Reproduction" Faire and the You Can Still Be Straight & Go To Heaven Symposium.

             A project to carve the Apostle’s Creed into the front of the Nittany Lion shrine is expected to begin mid-April, and the ten commandments will be posted on a number of kiosks to be positioned around campus.

             When asked what implications he thought the policy change would have for non-Christian Penn State students, the ubiquitously open-minded Lawless responded "I certainly hope that there aren’t any non-Christians in Pennsylvania, but if there are, it doesn’t matter since they’re going to hell anyway."