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Graham Spanier Succumbs to Pressure from Conservatives
UNIVERSITY PARK, PA-- Nearly two months after the Penn State Sex Faire began a whirlwind of controversy regarding the alleged decadence of morality at PSU, Graham Spanier has finally caved to the pressure of conservative lawmakers. Pennsylvania State Senator John Lawless attended and video taped the February 3rd sexual education event using taxpayer’s money, later voicing his opinion that the even was lewd and inappropriate, claiming that taxpayer money should not be misused in such a way.
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Graham Spanier meets with Dr.
Meenks, who will attempt a procedure on April 11th to remove the stick from State Senator John Lawless' ass.
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Lawless also used taxpayer money to organize a satellite broadcast of nationally syndicated bigot Dr. Laura, in which she commented on the immorality of the student-run event and the general decline of good old-fashioned wholesome fascist values at American universities. Lawless’s main concern was that taxpayer’s money was potentially being used to advance political agendas that were not necessarily representative of the general interest of the taxpayers themselves
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Penn State Students Jump Off The Band Wagon
UNIVERSITY PARK, PA-- As quickly as it began it was over. The sudden euphoria that swept the Penn State University campus of their first sweet 16 appearance since 1954 crashed to a halt after an 84 – 72 loss at the hands of Temple Friday night. With the defeat, the seemingly “die hard” fans of Penn State basketball, suddenly denounced the team that they had so dearly loved only a week before. Read more...
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Freshman Almost Certain Girl Over There Wants Him
UNIVERSITY PARK, PA--Freshman Marvin Liebman, after many weeks of classes, has finally concluded, “That girl over there definitely likes me.” Liebman does not know the name of girl in question, and refers to her only as “Prospective Girlfriend #3.” Read more...
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Spanier Gives Grant to Abolish Gaming Addictions
STATE COLLEGE, PA-- Video games such as Quake III, Everquest, Diablo II, and Unreal Tournament have dominated the free time of many students at college campuses across the globe. Dr. Moocus proved that these video games have decreased the GPA’s of students who play them by at least 13%. The Penn State executive board made the decision on March 23rd to give a large grant, totaling at $750,000, to Dr. Timplesuks. He will be synthesizing a supplement to help wean these students away from this addiction. Read more...
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International Recording Artist Sting to Visit Bryce Jordan Center
UNIVERSITY PARK, PA-- Sting, the successful solo performer and lead singer of acclaimed rock band Police, will be making a rare appearance in State College, PA this April 25th, at the Bryce Jordan Center. The Grammy-nominated recording artist will punctuate a very successful year with a visit to State College, according to The University Music Center. The singer, whose 2000 release "Brand New Day" has spawned the international dance anthem "Desert Rose", has long been a favorite of Penn State students and faculty, as well as State College residents. Read more...
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Business Majors Learn How to use E-mail and Surf Web
UNIVERSITY PARK, PA-- Are you apprehensive about switching your major to business because you feel you will not be getting a quality education at Penn State? Well you have to fret no longer, as Computer Science 203 for business majors is a core class for all business students. According to a recent CMPSC 203 syllabus students will have the opportunity to learn such essential skills as windows applications, e-mailing, and even web surfing. Read more...
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