PHILADELPHIA, PA-- Gretchen Michellette wishes to make it equivocally clear that she attends the University of Pennsylvania and not Pennsylvania State University.

             When I tell people that I go to the University of Pennsylvania the next thing people say is “oh, they have a good football team.”

Gretchen and a fellow student discuss philosophy on the University of Pennsylvania campus, which is absolutely not in State College, PA.

             “I don’t give a damn about that school’s football program,” stated an exasperated Michellette, “I go to the prestigious University of Pennsylvania, not some stupid school located next to a dilapidated podunk.”

             “When I went to get my hair cut back home in Boston, my stylist asked me where I was studying? I replied U Penn, and then she had the audacity to ask me to get her some creamery ice cream.”

             Michellette continues, “If I wanted to go to a crappy school like Penn State, I would have gone there. Instead, I go to a school rich in history and culture, an Ivy League school, the University of Pennsylvania. The difference is as clear as night and day ”

             “I would not, have not, and never will attend Penn State University. Why would I attend a school with 500-student lectures, ignorant professors and even more ignorant students. And their business school... Can you actually get a degree from that?”

             “PSU is dumb, that’s the bottom line. What other school rips up their own town because their basketball team loses? State College is not a drinking town with a football problem, it’s a drinking town with thousands of problems.

             Michellette is currently a junior majoring in Accounting at the University of Pennsylvania. She has not in the past attended, is not currently attending, and never, by the love of God, will ever attend Penn State University.